- In 2011...
- February 8th, 2012
I'm quite late posting this truncated and spontaneous reflection on the year that ended almot 6 weeks ago. In 2011, my girl was a CIT at her Camp Wapsie, she finished her junior year and began her senior, went to all the dances, applied early decision to Davidson and was accepted, and took and loved a job at the winery. Her show choir won a grand championship in Mt. Pleasant, and many of her good friends who were seniors graduated and went on their way to colleges all around the country.
In 2011, I was shunned for the elementary SS ed position at the UI, and wasted some time feeling bitter. I bought Call, tbred gelding from Pennsylvania, worked with him and just sold him a few days ago. Mandy joined Holly Apple at Cedar Valley Stables and eventually thrived, tho I think the first three months were hard for her; she doesn't like change. Had one paper accepted for publication and wrote and submitted another that has been returned in 2012 for revision and resubmission. Jay and I went to Colorado alone for spring break as my girl went to NYC for the school choir trip. We ramped up our band by asking Ruth Anne to join us on her cello, and played gigs in Iowa City, West Branch, Cedar Rapids and Mount Vernon.
The summer trip to NC was harsh. Mom went into the hospital psych ward with depression the day before we headed down for scheduled trip. Dad and I didn't get along. And we had an extra teenager along for the whole shebang after my girl's mission trip in Asheville concluded. The christmas trip was better...we spent just 3 days and that seemed to stress mom and dad less. But it still seemed to be a day or two too much. The relationship with mom and dad has become more and more complicated this past year instead of more comfortable, as it seemed to be for a while.
In 2011, my work lame duck year began in earnest. I've never been able to work as directly with the Cedar Rapids teachers as those in other districts, and I've lost vim and vigor in general for my enterprise. It's time for a change, but I have no strong sense of what I want it to be. This past year was not a gathering of momentum for a launch into the next thing. On the whole, it's felt more like a hibernation, a dwindling of energy, a sense of been there, done that. Trouble is, I've not id'ed what/how I want to be and do next.
I suspect some of this drift is the nature of being in my girl's wake as she leaves home. She's already so independent, her presence in the house is much more like a boarder than an integral part of the family. I have not wrapped my interests and life up in my girl, but my sense of the timing of my life feels a bit as though it is now trapped in the amber of my girl's childhood, which for 17 years felt as though it would last forever. While I could intellectually know that was an illusion, my experience of the time was what it was, and what it was felt as tho it must be eternal. My girl was a willing vessel for my fierce love for so long...how could I have known, really known, that the years in which my infinite love could be freely poured out and received were finite.